Lets start with confessions..

1) I cut

thats probably the only actually confession i have though i wont tell anyone except here and i havent written in forever but i feel like i need to write not sure why i just have some things i wanna get out in the open well i just wanna say im so tired of everything and its like all me and david do is fight heres a question for everyone who reads this..

When two people love each other and i mean really love each other when is enough, enough?

there is an actual answer to that but i wont tell you just see what you come up with!!

anyways i dont really have any friends the only people i talk to is either Amber or Allie and thats normally just in class i'll pick up the phone to call em and i never do cuz i dont know what to say i have david but its like hes not there because hes always obsessing about himself so i just smile and pretend im fine besides its not as bad as everyone says so ill just keep tellin myself that i wrote a poem last night i think i'll submit it though im not sure if anyone will actually understand it well actually understand the feelings and the emotions the way i did it means alot to me for some reason and i havent written in a while so it kinda felt good i wanna start back writting but its like i never have time but the deal is i have lots of time im just so bogged down i donno i feel like im goin crazy especially right now maybe its because i took 2 midol and i hate midol cuz it makes me feel extremely weird but like i took it on an empty stomach with coke and chocolate lots of caffeine and your not supposed to take it with caffeine but oh well so i feel very weird i didnt get the part of Ami in the play i was upset about it but now im just like w/e my mom doesnt like david anymore which makes it so much harder on us on me he pissed her off the other day i donno i dont wanna go into it i turn 16 January 5th oh YAY how bout not you know what i dont understand i dont get why everyone makes big deals out of birthdays i mean nothing ever changes when your 3 and you turn 4 you dont get any smarter or prettier or uglier it slowly changes all that changes is your age and that doesnt really even matter because it doesnt make you anymore mature or immature its just another stupid day thats what i think anyways i mean when someone turns 18 wow they can legally buy cigarettes but its not like they werent already smoking when someone turns 16 they can legally drive but its not like they havent been driving when someone turns 21 they can legally drink but its not like they havent been drinking its all retarded to me or maybe im just weird i donno but w/e and another thing my mom promised me that at the end of the first semester around december/january she would get the phone and the internet hooked back up and allow me to get my license if i stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up well guess what ive passed all my classes and havent gotten in any trouble but now shes sayin she never said that and she did she even knows she did i hate her so freakin much she always pulls that b/s at the last minute but if i had of been failin or gettin in trouble she woulda been using it against me to throw it in my face but w/e its the same ol b/s everyday so i guess it doesnt really matter now does it i feel a lil better not phisically but since i actually got to write it all out christmas is comin up oh yay just another family disaster waiting to happen i hate being with my family all they do is drive me crazy i dont want anything to do with em i just want em to leave me the fuck alone as bad or mean as that may sound its true and i hate school i hate the teachers well some of em actually just a couple but w/e well newayz im about to go so i'll probably write more later...


Chelle

Adrenaline Pulsating
I can feel you next to me
Your lips upon mine totally excruciating.

So addictive you’re my ecstasy
All I taste is your bittersweet kisses
Temptation takes over me
Clothes being shed I'm lost in the sea of love.

We know our intentions
Perception and perplex ion as
Our senses fail.

I can feel you inside of me
And even though you say forever
Promise me you'll never leave
Your body upon mine
Warm and sweet
Perfectly inviting to mine
Like a puzzle piece with a
Perfect fit.

Your hands explore my body
And your kisses explode like fire
Lost in a sea of sheets;
Lost with you
I ache for more
Completely invigorating
Not wanting it to end
So I can stay
Here----lost----with you

Silence surrounds us
Whispering sweet nothings
Until our body’s surrender
Undiscovered desires
The world---Tainted and Fading
Nothing matters except me and you
Together forever but together as one.

I can feel your heartbeat
And sighs begin to seep
You whisper "I Love You"
And that’s all I need to know.

I wasn’t gonna write I find it stupid and everything I wanna say needa say is deep within me and writing this is stupid and pointless im not sure whats wrong with me I know something is…but what?? I keep asking myself whats wrong with me but I come up blank everything seems like its falling and leaving and going away I have nothing left I feel like im on the brink of a total meltdown and im just slowly patiently waiting and breathing trying to grasp ahold of something so I wont fall but no matter what i can still feel the ground beneath giving way I know I shouldn’t say this and ive been hiding it but I wanna cut so so bad I got rid of all my blades and im fighting and trying not to even want to but its getting harder I don’t wanna give in I would say I wont but that could turn out to be a lie so im just gonna keep trying to resist its like I have nothing my family all we do is bitch at each other and right now there gone to Louisiana and they wont be back until tomorrow sometime and I donno everyone seems to get on my nerves my friends I donno its just like not them its me I know that but I just don’t like being around anyone and David doesn’t even know how I feel because hes always upset and depressed so I put on a smile and act as happy as I can so he’ll get happy but all I ever do is make it worse and I donno its like hes not around and im not even sure I matter to him I mean when he gets upset which is all the time and he starts thinking about suicide I don’t matter to him he even told me a couple of weeks ago I was trying to get him to promise me he wouldn’t do anything and he told me he couldn’t do that and hung up well the next day I was like I know you wont do anything and hes like how and I was like cuz you love me hes like yea well Love doesn’t matter or something I donno and then he told me when he gets like that I wouldn’t and couldn’t stop him cuz I basically don’t matter to him at that point something like that I donno and im trying to do everything I can for him to be there for him but its like It doesn’t matter like what im doin isn’t good enough and he keeps questioning my love for him and I do love him more than anything in this world and theres no one else I want I just wish I could make him see that maybe one day he’ll see it I mean hes everything to me I wish I had someone to talk to that could understand without going back and telling him everything I said or don’t say for that matter!!! And school im tryin and im doing good but Ive lost interest for everything I mean I have no interests for anything like hanging out with my friends im just like okay you know w/e and then I don’t wanna I don’t wanna be with anyone except David or myself but when im with people I can hide how I feel and im okay until Im by myself again because when im hiding myself from them Im hiding myself from me to that probably makes no sense but it does to me I hate myself so much and when I look in the mirror I just wanna break it my eyes are empty ive lost everything all desires all light everything im empty and numb I smile but im wanting to cry but I cant I just wanna sleep and not wake up until everythings finally okay but I know it never will be at least not with me I cant even write to get my feelings out I don’t know who I am anymore and my dad and step mom family w/e I donno like yesterday I went to my brothers f/b game here at my school and the first time ive ever asked them to take me home and my own dad and step mom bitched because they didn’t want me to (incase you don’t know I don’t live with them I live with my dads parents) and then my dad I told him I loved him when I was leaving and he didn’t even say it back and my stepmoms just a whore and a bitch literally so ya know I would rather them at least act like they love me but I don’t think they do actually I kno they don’t but cant they at least play make believe??? I donno im just not sure who I am I need help major help oh well I’ll just keep playing my own game of make believe wanna join me??

So I see its been awhile I have no internet and no phone cept a cell that I barely get to use I cant wait till I turn 16 get a job car my own cell save up cash get out of this hell hole at 17 finish school and me and David’s outta here things have been okay well not really but im allowed to pretend right actually I do have some well a lot of things I want to say to let out but its so much easier just to keep my mouth shut so I will its just ive been dewin pretty good lately but Im so lost I just wanna let go and quit tryin to hold on and quit pretending to be okay quit smiling when I know I want to cry I just wanna let go let it all out but I cant its so much easier to smile instead of cry

“Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head”
Pretty girl (the way)-SugarCult

I started writing a poem its shit but still i donno school sux but I would rather be here then at home with my parents I do everything and I try not to get in trouble but still I always do and David I love him so much but he doesn’t see it and hes always upset I just wish I could help him but I cant I cant help anyone not even myself ive been I donno okay well most of the time I just quit thinking cuz when im not thinking it doesn’t hurt its just now I feel like im falling and falling and falling and I donno im just bein bitchy and whiney im pathetic that’s my problem I don’t really have nothing else to say so I guess im gonna go bye…..

i feel like im falling this sux so bad i wont be able to see or talk to David until school starts it hurts so bad well did im numb now i cant feel shit im not supposed to be on the net and my parents unplugged the phone jack which is in there room but its right next to the window so i had to open the window plug it up and shut it w/o waking them up and i did it i wanted to see if David had gotten my emails or if he was even on but hes not i really wish i could talk to him ive finally quit crying though i did fuck up i kinda cut i was only gonna do one or two but then it turned into 3 and four and then into well yea but i couldnt feel it it didnt hurt and i wanted to feel the pain so bad and then i couldnt stop and god i just wanna die i donno whats wrong with me anymore and there not b/s cuts there pretty deep like when i cut the skin opened up and split and i could see like half an inch or an inch into my flesh it was wicked and the blood started falling and rolling off my leg i just wish it would of hurt oh well i donno i know i shouldnt have but i donno you wouldnt understand my life sux i just wanna die but i cant chelsea and David love me there the only ones but still i cant do that to them lol i told David Chelsea was my lover haha it was funny lol cuz he was all talkin about me havin to call my b/f after he left and i said no my lover and hes like who would that be and i was like Chelsea and he just laughed newayz i donno im listenin to Evanescence even though she normally doesnt help my mood but oh well im bout to go lay back down or something bye